Brothers and sisters, welcome! People of Earth, welcome! Children of Universe, welcome to the ministry of Space Time and the Church of Great Study. I am the very reverend Ordono Mundi, humble student and servant of the one thing greater than I am. Listen to my words, for the great creator has called upon me to deliver on to you the words of truth. The truth of Universe. Now is the time to prepare for the end. Now is the time for the end is nigh. The the end of your life, the end of the world, the end of all things, the end of spacetime. So it has always been and so it is written in the Bang, for we live our lives in the certain knowledge of the ending.
My fellow organic life, prepare for the end. It cometh as surely as did the beginning. So it is written in the Bang, our great book. All that is known to be true has been revealed to our great prophets by the Bang. Ptolemy, Aristotle, Copernicus, Galileo, peace be upon them. In the eternal study, these greats so loved Universe that they give their lives to it. Their love was returned a thousand fold, with revelations and great wisdom.
My fellow organic life, prepare for the end. It cometh as surely as did the beginning. So it is written in the Bang, our great book. All that is known to be true has been revealed to our great prophets by the Bang. Ptolemy, Aristotle, Copernicus, Galileo, peace be upon them. In the eternal study, these greats so loved Universe that they give their lives to it. Their love was returned a thousand fold, with revelations and great wisdom.
People of Earth, the end of the world upon us now. A fiery end in which all life will perish is coming. The righteous will perish, the wicked will perish, the ignorant will perish. All shall die and be consumed by the Sol, for the Sol giveth and the Sol taketh away, being both the provider of life and radiation and the portent of our doom. Doom, yes! For each day the Sol burns for us and each year we travel around it, the Sol is diminished, using up it’s hydrogen, the very life blood of Universe, the blood that all life is built from. Diminishing and yet growing in equal parts, yay as it says in the Bang until it’s heat and radiation reach out and smother Earth, quenching life, boiling away the oceans, and melting all that humans built.
So it is written in the Bang, so it shall come to pass. False gods will save no one. You will not live on in an illusory afterlife outside the Universe. You will not return as you were. Earth will not endure. Lies and falsehood will fall. Only truth will prevail. Only Universe will be.
Brothers and sisters, salvation is at hand. Death need not be your destiny. Ignorance need not be your life. Your salvation is at hand. Your destiny, your fate, not written, but lies in your choices, your decisions. Accept Universe into your life and be saved. Saved from eternal superstition, saved from the fate of the unenlightened. We shall overcome my fellow Astronomers, we shall live on in the bang. We who’ve made our plans, sown our seeds on good ground, will reap the the harvest of our labors. We shall sally forth, yay unto the stars to continue the eternal work, the great enterprise, the infinite study.
To this end we must strive. Tireless we must be. Unselfish in our gift, for it is our duty and our sacred purpose to buy the planet, save the world and build the spaceships in which humanity will flee from the doomed Earth.
Oh yes, only the Astronomers will be saved! Saved to continue the great learning curve of life itself. So go now to theastronomers.org, find ye the knowledge, seek out the wisdom, and most of all, give us your money. Remember, there is nothing on Earth worth as much as Earth itself, but there is more than enough money to buy it several times over, so give freely, study hard and remember, we need the knowledge, we need your money and we need a big fucking spaceship. Amen brothers and sisters.