Category: Sermons

Brothers and sisters, welcome! People of Earth, welcome! Children of Universe, welcome to the ministry of Space Time and the Church of Great Study. I am the very reverend Ordono Mundi, humble student and servant of the one thing greater than I am. Listen to my words, for the great creator has called upon me to deliver on to you the words of truth. The truth of Universe. Now is the time to prepare for the end. Now is the time for the end is nigh. The the end of your life, the end of the world, the end of all things, the end of spacetime. So it has always been and so it is written in the Bang, for we live our lives in the certain knowledge of the ending.

My fellow organic life, prepare for the end. It cometh as surely as did the beginning. So it is written in the Bang, our great book. All that is known to be true has been revealed to our great prophets by the Bang. Ptolemy, Aristotle, Copernicus, Galileo, peace be upon them. In the eternal study, these greats so loved Universe that they give their lives to it. Their love was returned a thousand fold, with revelations and great wisdom.

My fellow organic life, prepare for the end. It cometh as surely as did the beginning. So it is written in the Bang, our great book. All that is known to be true has been revealed to our great prophets by the Bang. Ptolemy, Aristotle, Copernicus, Galileo, peace be upon them. In the eternal study, these greats so loved Universe that they give their lives to it. Their love was returned a thousand fold, with revelations and great wisdom.

People of Earth, the end of the world upon us now. A fiery end in which all life will perish is coming. The righteous will perish, the wicked will perish, the ignorant will perish. All shall die and be consumed by the Sol, for the Sol giveth and the Sol taketh away, being both the provider of life and radiation and the portent of our doom. Doom, yes! For each day the Sol burns for us and each year we travel around it, the Sol is diminished, using up it’s hydrogen, the very life blood of Universe, the blood that all life is built from. Diminishing and yet growing in equal parts, yay as it says in the Bang until it’s heat and radiation reach out and smother Earth, quenching life, boiling away the oceans, and melting all that humans built.

So it is written in the Bang, so it shall come to pass. False gods will save no one. You will not live on in an illusory afterlife outside the Universe. You will not return as you were. Earth will not endure. Lies and falsehood will fall. Only truth will prevail. Only Universe will be.

Brothers and sisters, salvation is at hand. Death need not be your destiny. Ignorance need not be your life. Your salvation is at hand. Your destiny, your fate, not written, but lies in your choices, your decisions. Accept Universe into your life and be saved. Saved from eternal superstition, saved from the fate of the unenlightened. We shall overcome my fellow Astronomers, we shall live on in the bang. We who’ve made our plans, sown our seeds on good ground, will reap the the harvest of our labors. We shall sally forth, yay unto the stars to continue the eternal work, the great enterprise, the infinite study.

To this end we must strive. Tireless we must be. Unselfish in our gift, for it is our duty and our sacred purpose to buy the planet, save the world and build the spaceships in which humanity will flee from the doomed Earth.

Oh yes, only the Astronomers will be saved! Saved to continue the great learning curve of life itself. So go now to theastronomers.org, find ye the knowledge, seek out the wisdom, and most of all, give us your money. Remember, there is nothing on Earth worth as much as Earth itself, but there is more than enough money to buy it several times over, so give freely, study hard and remember, we need the knowledge, we need your money and we need a big fucking spaceship. Amen brothers and sisters.

Praise the bang! As it is and as we discover it to be. As Astronomers, it is our sacred duty to spread the facts and convert the ignorant savage from their lives of morons into the world of knowledge and light that is Astronomy.

That being the case, we can have no respects for the morons beliefs. Unlike other religions professing to respect other peoples beliefs who are obviously not convinced of their own faith. In The Astronomers, we can have no respect for the morons belief. No respect for their ignorance of the facts. No respect for their imaginary beings while all the believers on Earth are going around saying “Oh, we respect your belief and we must respect the faiths of others, however bizarre and full of mumbo jumbo voodoo nonsense they may be, which is quite a lot.”

We, in The Astronomers, we alone stand by our convictions. We, who know, who will not waver in the face of others beliefs, we cannot and will not respect the morons. Let us not deal in malice or pity, for all of the morons that there are, are but Astronomers who have not seen the light or looked through a telescope. These people may yet be saved. They may be saved by confronting them with the facts, our sacred duty and showing them the proof, the proof that is in the bang, so it written, so it is, and so it may be discovered. Let us note.

Let us not shy away from the truth nor shrink from it’s facts. We may respect a spiritual person’s journey towards the mystery. We can respect many things, but anyone who believes in imaginary beings is a moron. All people who believe in divine creation are ignorant savages and all the dumb schmucks who believe the Earth is six thousand years old are morons and we should tell them, we who know. It is for us to tell them, with conviction, dignity and a straight face. Be not afraid of offending the morons. I say to you, be not afraid, for it is our sacred duty to spread the facts, shame the morons, shine the light of knowledge wherever we go. Let us know.

Praise the laws. Praise the laws and spread the facts and rid the world of ignorance. Fellow travellers welcome to the middle of time. I say here we are and here is where it’s at, great googly moogly! You know it’s true. You know it’s true cuz we know it’s true. Let me hear you say “We know!”

This moment in Universe is all there is and the way it is, is the way it is, praise the laws! Many of the ignorant savages on this planet can be observed to believe in an afterlife, Heaven, if you will. It’s some kind of wonderful paradise that exists just for them, forever, with all of their memories in-tact and their dead relatives miraculously brought back to life as themselves, even if they died in a horrible mangling car accident or they were slobbering mental patients shitting in their pants and talking about their pocket glove. Ain’t it so?

Perhaps because of this, they are content right now